Your Relationship Is Changing — Is It a Red Flag or a Green Flag?

You want things to be how they were.

But it’s not as much fun anymore.

You’re noticing the differences. The very things that brought you close now seem to be driving you apart. Maybe you’ve started wondering if some of their behaviours are red flags and if you’re really compatible after all.

Perhaps he isn’t giving you what you want anymore, or what used to feel like enough no longer does. You’re unsure how to bring it up, and when you do, it ends in silence or an argument.

You might catch yourself wondering: Have we grown apart? Is this who he really is? Am I being too sensitive, or not asking for enough? The uncertainty can be exhausting. What felt clear and full of promise now feels murky, with each conversation loaded with unsaid fears or quiet resentment.

It’s easy to imagine that healthy relationships are always easy. But ease is not always the measure of health. Sometimes, it’s the relationships that are growing that feel the most confusing. Not because they’re breaking down, but because they are moving into something deeper and more complex.

This might feel like the beginning of the end. But often, it’s the beginning of the next stage of couplehood.

Relationships grow through stages

All relationships evolve. Just like we went through developmental stages as children, so do our adult relationships. The Bader-Pearson Developmental Model shows how romantic relationships mirror the growth we went through as children. Each stage brings new challenges, and we can’t skip ahead without risking unresolved issues surfacing later on.

Growth involves discomfort.

The early stage, often called the honeymoon phase, is about bonding. You feel close, excited, and safe. It’s a kind of merging, where the rest of the world fades and your shared sense of “we” takes centre stage.

To build that closeness at the beginning of a relationship, some individuality gets put on the back burner. We soften our edges and focus on what we have in common, we learn to have fun together, and experience being cared for and caring for another. We exist in a bubble, some call this “love sick”.  This bonding lays the groundwork for emotional safety in a relationship; it creates the connection and resilience to sustain conflict when it arises later on.

Because over time, differences start to surface.

Just as children need to separate from their caregivers to become their own person, couples also need to move from sameness into differentiation. From “we’re so alike” to “how can we stay close even when we’re different?” This is one of the issues I most frequently see in my work offering couples therapy and gay couples therapy, as well as with individual clients navigating relationship difficulties.

And that shift can be painful.

When sameness fades, difference can feel like danger

What once felt compatible may now feel like a mismatch. His spontaneous, carefree nature that once thrilled you now feels like chaos. You’re the one who ends up planning, tidying, and making things work.

This transition often brings the first real argument or rupture. And that moment tends to repeat, almost as if the relationship is presenting you with its core dilemma. A pattern that will keep resurfacing until it’s properly understood and resolved.

This doesn’t mean the relationship is failing. It may mean it is trying to grow.

Three essential skills to move through the discomfort

At this stage, the relationship doesn’t need you to change who you are. But it does ask for a shift in how you relate, how you hold both closeness and difference. These three skills can help:

1. Empathy

Not explanation, not analysis. Just empathy.

Can you connect with your partner’s emotional world without trying to fix, defend, or solve it? If you’re naturally a fixer, this can present a real challenge. During conflict, what’s needed most is emotional connection, not logic. Look for the deeper feeling, the one beneath the first defensive reaction. This may require you to peel back a few layers of your script to see if your life experience is getting in the way of connecting with your partner.

2. Emotional honesty

This means being willing to look inward and name your own thoughts, feelings, needs, values and fears, then sharing them, even if it feels risky. See what else might be going on beneath the surface of your responses to find a deeper truth. In Transactional Analysis Therapy, this is sometimes known as the substitution factor.

You may be met with confusion or even rejection. But it is also what allows intimacy to deepen.

It’s just as important to listen with the same openness when your partner shares their truth. This part of the process can feel messy, especially when differences become clearer.

3. Resilience for healthy conflict

Can you stay in the difficult conversation without shutting it down or running from the discomfort?

Real intimacy asks us to stay curious about our partner and to keep exploring ourselves, too. You may reveal something important only to find they don’t respond the way you’d hoped. That’s painful. But it is also part of building a more honest, grounded relationship, one that can survive reality rather than rely on fantasy.

FAQs

1. How do I know if it’s a red flag or just growing pains?

Red flags are usually patterns of control, disrespect or emotional harm that persist over time and limit your sense of safety or autonomy. Growing pains, while uncomfortable, often lead to greater self-awareness, honesty and connection.

2. What if we just keep having the same fight?

Repeating the same argument is often a sign that something important is trying to get heard but isn’t yet being understood. This kind of stuckness is common in the differentiation stage of a relationship. It’s not always a sign to leave, but it is a sign to look deeper.

3. Is it a problem if we’ve stopped feeling close?

Not necessarily. Feeling distant can be a sign that your relationship is asking for something new, whether that’s more honesty, clearer boundaries or a deeper emotional connection. The work is in how you respond to that distance, not in pretending it isn’t there.

4. Can we grow through this together?

Often, yes. But not always. Growing through a difficult stage means both people are willing to stay curious, take responsibility and risk honesty. That can be hard, and not every couple wants or is ready to do that work. But where there’s willingness, there’s hope.

Final Thoughts

If your relationship feels like it’s shifting, don’t rush to label it as broken. Not everything painful is toxic. Some of it is simply the discomfort of growing into something more real.

It’s normal to feel scared. It’s normal to question things. And it’s normal to want more.

Whether your relationship continues or comes to an end, the process of understanding what’s happening and how you show up within it can become a growthful experience regardless of the outcome.

Sometimes, a change isn’t a red flag.

It’s a green light towards something more grounded, more honest and more whole.

About Me

I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.

I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.

References

Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel.

English, F. (1971). The Substitution Factor: Rackets and Real Feelings: Part I. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), 27–32. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100408