Are Your High Standards Starting to Hurt You?

You might look like you’ve got it all together.

People rely on you. You push yourself every day. You care deeply about getting things right. But under the surface, there’s a constant pressure. A voice that says, “Don’t mess up. Don’t fall behind. Don’t let them see the cracks.”

Perhaps you find it hard to relax, to rest, or to stop checking and re-checking. You might feel anxious when you’re not being productive. Or feel like who you are isn’t quite enough unless it comes with success, polish, or praise. And when you have shown up as less than perfect, whether with family or in past relationships, you’ve been mocked for it, either in subtle or not-so-subtle ways.

This is the hidden side of perfectionism. For many gay and queer men, it is less about ambition and more about safety.

When perfectionism becomes protection

Perfectionism is rarely just about high standards. More often, it’s a strategy. A way of managing feelings of anxiety. A way of staying one step ahead of criticism, rejection, or shame.

If you grew up without the safety to be fully yourself, you may have learned to perform, to hide your vulnerability, to be impressive, capable, or pleasing as a way of earning acceptance. This is especially common in queer communities, where survival often depended on reading the room, staying alert, and keeping things controlled.

Over time, perfectionism becomes less of a choice and more of a default setting. A baseline way of being. It can start to feel like the only way to be okay.

When achievement becomes identity

The danger is that doing well can become the only way to feel good about yourself. The locus of evaluation and self-worth is external, not internal.

You might only feel good about yourself when you’re achieving something. You might avoid taking risks in case you fail. You might not even realise how much of your self-worth is tied to being competent, attractive or in control.

When life inevitably gets messy, you might blame yourself, push harder, or retreat altogether.

This often mirrors early experiences for gay men who grew up feeling like outsiders, not celebrated for who they are, so the focus turns to achievement to gain recognition. In his seminal work exploring the emotional lives of gay men, Out of the Shadow, Walt Odets talks of the relational deficit gay men experience in early life. While straight children and teens were typically able to freely experiment with relationships and receive validation for being themselves, these formative experiences were often denied to gay adolescents. The need for recognition being redirected into doing and performing.

This became a relational strategy. And for many, it’s still the only one that feels available.

The hidden cost

Perfectionism quietly steals connection.

It can stop you asking for help, admitting you're struggling, or letting someone close enough to see behind the performance. It creates distance not just from others, but from your own needs and emotions. I see this recur in many forms in my practice, where gay men who learned to be praised for being perfect and good, follow a strategy which takes them away from, rather than towards, connection.

You might be outwardly successful but inwardly exhausted. Admired, but deeply lonely.

The shift: from performance to presence

Therapy offers space to explore this pattern, you can learn to communicate your needs better with others, and yourself. The aim is not to get rid of your ambition or drive, but to loosen the grip it has on your sense of self.

There is a common misconception that letting go of perfectionism means becoming careless. Loosening the grip on perfection can make way for more connection with yourself and others.

FAQs About Perfectionism

1. Is perfectionism always linked to past experience?
Not always, but it often has roots in environments where love, attention or safety felt conditional. Therapy can help uncover what perfectionism is protecting and can help you rewrite the script you are running on.

2. Can perfectionism affect intimacy?
Yes. It can make vulnerability feel unsafe and create emotional distance. In gay couples therapy, the work can be to explore how these dynamics show up between partners.

3. How do I begin letting go of perfectionism?
Start by noticing when it shows up and what it might be protecting you from. Therapy can support you to build a more compassionate, flexible relationship with yourself.

Final thoughts

Perfectionism often begins as a survival strategy. It helped manage environments that didn’t feel safe, affirming or accepting. It worked. But it can become a cage.

There is nothing wrong with striving, being capable, or wanting to do things well. The problem comes when your value feels tied to your output, and when rest, softness or imperfection start to feel unsafe.

The work of healing is not about giving up who you are. It’s about loosening the parts of you that were built for protection, so you can live more fully, freely, and authentically.

About Me

I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.

I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.

References

Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.

English, F. (1971). The Substitution Factor: Rackets and Real Feelings: Part I. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), 27–32. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100408