Anxious About Having a Difficult Conversation With Your Partner?
Finding your voice while making room for theirs
You know something needs to be said. Maybe it’s a feeling that’s been building slowly. A sense of emotional distance, a moment that hurt, or a recurring tension that doesn’t seem to shift. You keep thinking about it, wondering if it’s worth mentioning, unsure how to bring it up without making things worse.
And yet, not saying anything can start to weigh heavily on you. This silence doesn’t protect the connection you have with your partner. It erodes it.
Why is it so hard to speak up?
In all intimate relationships, there are times when it can feel impossible to say what needs to be said, or to voice concerns. This can be due to one partner having bad experiences bringing up problems in the past, as well as your individual life script.
In my experience, some of the most common reasons that couples don’t speak up to their partner are due to:
1. Fear of conflict or rejection
You might worry that raising the issue will spark an argument or cause emotional distance. This fear is especially strong for people who’ve experienced unpredictable or emotionally unsafe relationships, either in past relationships or growing up. Your inner voice or life script response may be telling you:
“If I say how I really feel, will they still want to be with me?”
2. Struggle to tolerate vulnerability
Bringing up something difficult isn’t just about words. It’s about revealing parts of yourself: your needs, disappointments, fears, or longings. That can feel exposing. You may fear being misunderstood, minimised, or dismissed. You may fear being overwhelmed if this were to happen.
3. Concern about being ‘too much’
Especially for those of us who learned to self-edit to feel safe or accepted, there’s often an inner voice saying:
“Don’t make a fuss.”
“Keep the peace.”
“Don’t upset them.”
But the cost of silence is often disconnection, from both your partner and you.
Speaking up with care and clarity
You don’t need to be perfect or rehearsed. But approaching the conversation with curiosity, care, and courage can help.
1. Start with your intention
Let them know why you’re bringing this up:
“I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind, because I care about us and want to feel closer.”
This frames the conversation as a way of strengthening the relationship, not attacking it.
2. Acknowledge your own feelings and experience
Own what’s true for you:
“Lately I’ve been feeling a bit distant, and I’ve noticed I’ve been pulling away instead of saying what I need.”
This helps you speak from your side of the street, rather than placing blame.
3. Be specific and grounded
Instead of vague or global statements like:
“You never make time for me.”
Try:
“When we cancelled our plans last weekend, I felt let down, and I started wondering if we’ve both been losing touch a little lately.”
4. Be open to their experience and your impact
This part often gets missed. After naming your own experience, it’s important to make space for theirs:
“That’s what’s been going on for me. I also want to hear how things have been feeling for you. I imagine my pulling away may have had an impact too.”
This signals that you’re not just here to be heard. You’re also here to listen, to understand how your behaviour may have affected them and how they’ve experienced the dynamic. This is especially important if your partner has historic problems with not being heard, or may feel defensive if their side isn’t listened to.
5. Stay in the dialogue, not the defence
Hard conversations can stir up emotion on both sides. You might be tempted to defend yourself or push for agreement. But staying present means tolerating some messiness:
“I didn’t realise that’s how it felt for you”
This builds trust. It shows you can manage difference and still stay connected.
Beware the substitution factor
The substitution factor is when one feeling acts in a protective function and “substitutes” another. For example, something quite painful such as loss, grief or sadness, might be substituted with anger, which while also painful, can be easier to deal with. I often talk about this with both couples and individual clients in therapy, inviting them to explore the layers of their experience and what feelings they may have under the initial response.
Sometimes we can cover one feeling with another, so in difficult conversations, I suggest being open to what your substitution feeling might be. If you start the conversation irritated because your partner hasn’t cleaned up after themselves (again), there might be a deeper feeling which the irritation is covering and being substituted for. You may feel unheard, isolated or abandoned. Substitution feelings are more likely to be defensive in nature and therefore, they are less likely to bring authentic connection and more likely to create defence and isolation.
If you are able to connect with your own authentic response, you are more likely to engage in healthy conflict which brings a deeper understanding of how the emotional distance between you was created.
Therapy can help you with:
Practising how to express difficult feelings with clarity and care
Understanding the fears or defences that get in the way of honesty
Strengthening your capacity to stay open and regulated in emotional moments
Exploring your early templates for communication and connection
Repairing trust and emotional safety when things go wrong
FAQs About Difficult Conversations
1. What if my partner gets defensive or shuts down when I bring something up?
This is a common fear. If your partner tends to get defensive, it may be because they feel criticised or unsure how to respond. Try to stay grounded in your own experience rather than making accusations. For example, saying “I’ve been feeling distant, and I’d like to reconnect” is often easier to hear than “You never listen to me.”
You can also name the dynamic gently:
“I notice we sometimes get stuck when we talk about this. I really want to understand your side too.”
2. How do I know if I’m asking too much or being unreasonable?
It’s understandable to worry about this, especially if you’ve learned to downplay your needs, or others have labelled you as being needy. A good question to ask yourself is, “Would I feel comfortable if the roles were reversed?” Emotional needs are not too much; they’re just signals pointing to where something isn’t feeling secure or connected.
Therapy can help you get clearer on your needs, where they come from, and how to express them in a way that’s rooted in mutual respect and care, rather than being based on conflict.
3. What if the conversation doesn’t go how I hoped?
Difficult conversations don’t always feel tidy or resolved in one go. That doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to bring up. Sometimes, the first conversation is just an opening, a way of signalling that something matters to you.
If the response is painful or confusing, give yourself time to reflect. You might want to revisit the topic later to make sense of what happened and what you need next. So, take a break before it gets heated, take some time to think and reassess what you want to say.
Final thoughts
You don’t have to be perfect. Most couples’ conflicts aren’t. What matters is the willingness to show up, to speak from your experience, and to listen to each other, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Real intimacy isn’t built through avoiding difficulty. It’s built through staying connected while navigating it. If you are having issues with staying connected, or speaking up about problems, then finding a couple’s therapist can help you to reconnect with each other. If my previous blogs resonated with you, you may want to find a therapist who has expertise in Transactional Analysis therapy, to support you learn better communication skills, improve self-awareness, and help you engage with healthy conflict and strengthen your relationship’s tolerance for holding difference.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.
English, F. (1971). The Substitution Factor: Rackets and Real Feelings: Part I. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), 27–32. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100408