The Courage to Hope, the Resilience to Despair
“The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all.”
Søren Kierkegaard
There are times when hope feels almost out of reach. When life shrinks around something painful or uncertain, and each day begins with the same heavy ache. Not because anything new has happened, but because something inside feels dim, dulled or disconnected. In these moments, it is not uncommon to wonder, Will this ever change? Will I ever feel more like myself again?
This is where despair can quietly settle in. And as Kierkegaard reminds us, despair is not always loud or dramatic. Sometimes it arrives softly, through numbness or resignation, through the slow erosion of self. It is not just sadness, but a sense of drifting from who we are or might become. If this feeling becomes common in your daily life or in a relationship, it may be time to explore individual or relationship therapy.
What Does It Mean to Hope?
Hope is often misunderstood. It is not denial, or naive optimism, or trying to look on the bright side. Real hope is quieter than that. More resilient. It does not promise that everything will be fine. Instead, it dares to ask, Could this be different? Could something shift, even if I do not yet know how?
So, how is hope different from toxic positivity or denial? Hope is what holds us in tension with despair. A flicker of life in the middle of pain. Sometimes we only discover what hope is because we have known despair.
The Courage to Hope
Kierkegaard described hope as a form of love, an act of strength. He wrote from a theological perspective, but his ideas also speak deeply to the human condition in a broader, existential sense. His writing invites us to take ourselves seriously, to reflect on who we are, how we relate to the world and others, and what it means to live with purpose and integrity. In that sense, hope becomes more than belief in a higher power. It becomes a commitment to live with honesty and the possibility of change, and a deeper belief in ourselves.
Often in therapy, people arrive when their relationship with hope has gone quiet. When they have adapted to expecting less, less connection, less meaning, less ease; this can happen both with oneself and in a relationship, which can lead to a feeling that you and your partner have grown apart. Sometimes the first step is simply creating a space where it feels safe to want again. To feel the longing that still lives underneath the numbness. And to let that longing matter.
As a therapist, part of my role is to hold hope on behalf of my clients, especially when it feels unreachable to them. Hope for change. Hope for deeper connection. Hope that the way things are now is not the full story. I seek to hold that hope gently, not with pressure, but with quiet trust in a client’s innate capacity to heal, reconnect and grow into something more authentic.
Therapy as a philosophical perspective
The psychoanalyst Nancy McWilliams describes therapy as a wisdom tradition, not just a treatment or technique, but a way of cultivating deeper self-understanding. It is a space where we can ask the deeper questions that modern life often rushes us past. Who am I, really? What matters to me? What kind of life do I want to lead?
As a therapist, I work alongside my clients to explore these questions collaboratively and reflectively. Alongside a philosophical lens, I draw on the Transactional Analysis framework to understand how clients have come to structure their personalities and relationships; the beliefs, behaviours and emotional patterns that may once have offered protection, but now feel limiting or stuck. Therapy creates space to slow down and consider the deeper questions: How do I want to relate to myself? To others? To the world around me, not in the past or future, but here and now?
At the heart of this work is creating emotional safety. The kind that allows you to be honest, even about the parts of you that feel ashamed, lost or afraid. When emotional safety is present, it becomes possible to risk hope. It becomes possible to say things you have never said out loud. To trust, even tentatively, that something new might emerge.
This is not about fixing what is broken. It is about remembering what has been lost, loosening what has become rigid, and reclaiming the freedom to choose again.
The Resilience to Despair
Is feeling despair a sign that you are broken or failing? No, despair does not mean you are broken. It means something matters to you. It means you have felt the absence of something, connection, purpose, meaning, and you have not given up, even if it feels like you have.
There is resilience in facing despair. In allowing it to be seen and spoken. In couples therapy and individual therapy, the focus is not to rush to fix or rescue; it is to take the time to explore, to sit with you, witness you, and help you stay in contact with the parts of you that are difficult to reach.
You do not have to choose between pretending everything is okay or collapsing under the weight of what is not. There is space to say, This is hard. I cannot see the way forward right now. But I want to believe there is more.
And that wanting, that quiet reaching, is already a sign of hope.
Final Thoughts
Despair asks for resilience. Hope asks for courage. Both are deeply human responses to being alive in a world that does not always make sense.
If you are somewhere between the two, feeling the ache of what is missing but not yet ready to give up, you are not alone. There is strength in naming where you are. And there is help in finding your way through it, one small step at a time. You may be asking, can therapy help when I feel stuck in despair? Yes, it can. A space to explore, without being categorised, can help you connect with parts of yourself which are just out of reach.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Kierkegaard, S. (1980). The sickness unto death: A Christian psychological exposition for upbuilding and awakening (H. V. Hong & E. H. Hong, Trans.). Princeton University Press. (Original work published 1849)
What is Mental Health? Nancy McWilliams https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv6yNJcZhl0
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/belief/2010/apr/26/kierkegaard-philosophy-christianity