Why Saying “I’m Fine” Isn’t Working Anymore
You keep things together. But at what cost?
You're holding it in. Again.
You brush past the moment that stung. You say you’re fine when you're not. You push down the irritation, the sadness, the overwhelm because bringing it up feels risky. Maybe your partner doesn’t react well to emotion. Perhaps they may undermine you. Maybe you were taught early on that asking for too much makes you a burden. Or maybe you just don’t know what else to do.
You’re not alone.
Clients come to couples therapy looking composed, capable, kind, and often exhausted. Not because they’re weak, but because they’ve been strong for too long without support. Beneath the surface, there’s often a quiet ache: Why can’t anyone see what I’m holding? Why can’t I ask for what I need?
When “I’m Fine” Becomes a part of your Script
Many of us were taught to minimise our feelings. Through subtle messages like “Don’t make a fuss” or “Be strong”, we learned that strength meant silence. In Transactional Analysis, these early internalised beliefs are called Drivers, messages that tell us how we must behave to be okay or accepted.
Some of the most common ones are the “Be Strong” and “Please Others” Drivers, originally described by Kahler and Capers (1974). It encourages self-reliance to the point of emotional invisibility. These drivers were once useful for surviving difficult environments in childhood, where our early needs weren’t fully met, but in adulthood, they can block closeness and vulnerability.
What’s Really Going On Underneath
The psychotherapist Fanita English described what she termed the Substitution Factor, the idea that there are layers to our emotional experience; we often show and experience one emotion to protect ourselves from feeling another. For instance, you might feel irritated and attempt to suppress what is underneath, such as sadness or loneliness. Or you might show anxiety or depression, when underneath is anger or grief.
This substitution helps us manage overwhelming emotions, but it also makes it harder to connect with others, or to be seen in a way that feels authentic. The latter is only possible when it feels safe enough to peel back the layers of our script response to connect with a deeper, more authentic part of our personality.
In my therapy practice, I often work with clients who find themselves stuck in this place. Pushing through and being strong, as well as only experiencing one emotion to hide a deeper pain. Their surface emotions are carefully managed and socially acceptable, but underneath they feel unseen, unmet, or emotionally disconnected from themselves and their partners. What’s the risk of continuing to suppress my emotional needs, you may ask? In my experience, it can lead to resentment, anxiety and disconnection between you and your partner. Long term, it may lead to emotional disconnection from yourself.
“Be Strong” and the Breakdown of Intimacy
These protective patterns often come under pressure during normal developmental phases of a relationship. According to the Bader-Pearson Developmental Model, many couples move through stages that begin with closeness and bonding (the honeymoon phase) and eventually shift into differentiation: the recognition of each partner as a separate person with distinct needs, feelings, thoughts, hopes and viewpoints.
This is where the challenge begins.
In the differentiation phase, relationships grow by learning how to tolerate and engage with difference. That means being able to say, “Here’s what I think and feel,” and also being able to hear that from your partner. This can often bring up baffling differences. The aim is not to fix it, but to understand.
If one or both partners are locked in a “Be Strong” pattern, these conversations don’t happen easily. Instead, there may be long silences, hidden resentment, or emotional detachment.
What Can Help
If you’re thinking “why do I always say I’m fine when I’m not?” start with curiosity. It could be a protective strategy learned early in life. You may have internalised the belief that showing emotion or asking for help makes you vulnerable to rejection, judgment or ridicule.
So, ask yourself:
What am I really feeling right now?
What am I afraid might happen if I said how I feel, what I want, or what I think?
What do I want my partner to understand about me?
You can begin by sharing something small. For example:
“I noticed I’ve been pulling away lately. I think I’ve been overwhelmed, or experiencing stress and I’m unsure how to talk about it.”
Or:
“I’ve been saying I’m fine, but that’s not true. I want to talk, but I feel a bit unsure about how to start.”
Can therapy help you move past this pattern? Yes, in relationship therapy, we work together to untangle these early messages and uncover what has been kept inside. We also look at where the habit came from and explore the emotions you’ve been avoiding, as well as building relational skills which support connection. The aim is not to stop being strong (this can be very useful at times), but to expand your emotional range, so you can be strong and connected. Capable and vulnerable. Self-reliant and supported.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to change everything overnight. But if you’ve been carrying too much for too long, this might be the right moment to let some of it go.
Saying “I’m fine” might keep the peace, but it doesn’t build closeness. Emotional safety and intimacy come from naming what is true and being willing to hear it from someone else. That can be messy and imperfect, but it is often the beginning of something more real.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Kahler, T., & Capers, H. (1974). The Miniscript. Transactional Analysis Journal, 4(1), 26–42. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377400400106
Bader, E., & Pearson, P. (1988). In Quest of the Mythical Mate: A Developmental Approach to Diagnosis and Treatment in Couples Therapy. New York: Brunner/Mazel.
English, F. (1971). The Substitution Factor: Rackets and Real Feelings: Part I. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), 27–32. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100408