Ghosted Again? When Silence Hurts More Than Words
Have you just been ghosted again, and you don't know why? Perhaps you do.
Most people have experienced ghosting in recent times. It could be through dating apps, friendships, within families, or even during job applications. It's often spoken about as a hallmark of the modern connection, related to technology and the anonymity that can come with being online. Of course, just because it's now considered common, that doesn't mean it hurts any less.
Being Ghosted: When the Ring of Silence Hurts
Few things sting quite as much as being ghosted. One minute, you're in a conversation with someone, maybe about something new, or maybe about something meaningful. Your hopes are high, you are happy, and you may even start to imagine what could be next with this person. Then, without any warning, they disappear.
There's no message from them, no explanation for the absence. Just… silence.
For many who have been through this, it's not the loss of contact that hurts. It's the absence of closure from the experience. You're left with so many questions, stories, and emotional noise that it can feel impossible to silence it. It's an ending to a relationship, even a short-term one, without a goodbye.
What Is Ghosting?
Ghosting is when someone ends all contact without explanation. It can happen in dating, friendships, or professional spaces. Even though the term is modern, the experience taps into something deeply human and highlights a universal need for meaning, clarity, understanding, and connection. As a result, it’s a frequent theme in both one-on-one, as well as relationship therapy.
More than just absence, ghosting robs us of the chance to make meaning of an experience, to feel it was witnessed, acknowledged, or understood.
Why Does It Hurt So Much?
Ghosting leaves you in emotional limbo. You might find yourself wondering:
Was it me?
Was I too much?
Was any of it real?
Did I make it all up in my head?
This ambiguity often stirs up deep feelings of rejection, abandonment, and shame. Without context, our minds fill in the blanks, and rarely in a self-compassionate way.
Unlike a difficult conversation, ghosting offers no foothold. You're left to interpret everything on your own, without support or resolution. Of course, this is where self-doubt comes in and with no closure, the healing can’t begin.
Why Do People Ghost?
A key question you may have is why do people ghost? While it can feel cold or even cruel, ghosting often serves a defensive function. Many people ghost because they struggle to tolerate discomfort. They may feel:
Anxious about confrontation
Emotionally overwhelmed
Unsure how to communicate honestly
Afraid of being challenged
When you have been ghosted after a first date, or after a more long-term commitment, it can signal a low capacity to hold difference or complexity in relationships. As cliched as it may sound, it may not be about you. However, because of the nature of ghosting, you'll never know the reason why it happened.
What Ghosting Can Bring Up
Ghosting often reactivates old relational wounds. If you've experienced neglect, inconsistency, or abandonment in earlier relationships, this kind of silence may hit especially hard. It may even feel like it is part of a psychological game that you are stuck in, a recurring pattern leaving you feeling isolated and confused.
It can feel like confirmation of old fears:
"People always leave. I'm not enough. My feelings don't matter."
These stories are usually inherited, not factual. But ghosting has a way of waking them up. It can play into a Script, which you may not be aware of and that can reinforce a subconscious message.
Reflecting Through a Therapeutic Lens
If ghosting is a pattern in your life, it may be worth pausing to ask yourself:
How often does this happen?
What warning signs did I overlook or dismiss?
What part of my intuition did I ghost?
Am I able to express my needs clearly, and receive others' needs when they differ from mine?
What kinds of differences can I tolerate in a relationship?
These questions aren't always easy, but they can lead to more grounded, compassionate self-awareness, which can lead you to being able to spot the warning signs at an earlier stage in your relationships.
Going Deeper: The Layers of Ghosting
Ghosting is often spoken about in binary terms: you're either there or you're not. But there are subtler forms of ghosting, especially the ways we ghost ourselves.
Think back to a recent uncomfortable moment in a conversation. Did you feel yourself pull back, change the subject, or suppress a reaction in your body, like a tight chest or a sinking feeling in your stomach?
Did you name that feeling? Or did you move past it, hoping no one noticed?
This, too, can be a form of ghosting, but it is an internal one. One where we avoid our discomfort, intuition, or truth.
In couples therapy and gay couples therapy I often witness the difference between simply naming a feeling and fully exploring it. Ghosting is a modern term for an old dynamic, which is a reluctance to engage with the difficult or the unknown. The struggle to say what we need, feel what's painful, and hold space for another's difference. These are human challenges, not just dating problems.
If you have been left thinking about how to deal with ghosting, or have noticed that it is a recurring pattern in your life, or you are the person who finds yourself ghosting people but don’t understand why, it is worth looking into talking this through with a therapist who can help you understand and break the pattern.
FAQs About Ghosting
1. Why can ghosting feel worse than a direct rejection?
Because ghosting creates ambiguity. With no explanation, closure or meaning, you’re left to fill in the blanks yourself, and those blanks often get filled with self-blame, anxiety, and doubt. Unlike a direct conversation, ghosting doesn’t give you a clear narrative or something to push against emotionally. It can trigger old stories about abandonment or not being good enough, making it feel disproportionately painful. Plus, a direct rejection is a clear answer; ghosting creates a vague space, where you may have hope that they will return, which is painful.
2. How can I move on when I didn’t get closure?
Closure doesn’t always come from the other person. It can be something we create ourselves. Naming the hurt, processing the feelings, and exploring what was activated for you are all part of the healing.
3. Why does ghosting feel so personal, even if I barely knew them?
Because we often invest emotionally very quickly, especially when we’re hopeful or vulnerable. It’s not always about the specific person, but what they represented: possibility, connection, being seen. The loss isn’t just them; it’s the future you briefly imagined, and the unmet need that got stirred.
Final Thought
Being ghosted hurts. But it can also open a doorway. The silence left behind can point us toward our own stories, about attachment, self-worth, emotional safety, and the kinds of relationships we long for. What we can tolerate.
It's not about blaming yourself. It's about becoming curious.
Because while we can't control who ghosts us, we can choose how we respond, and what we learn about ourselves in the process.
Alex is a qualified Transactional Analysis psychotherapeutic counsellor who works with individuals and couples. He offers couples relationship counselling to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of current struggles. He trained at the Metanoia Institute and is a registered member of BACP.
References
www.gottman.com/blog/ghosting-the-silent-breakup/
www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/ghosting
www.tandempsychology.com/understanding-psychological-impact-of-ghosting/