Stuck in the Same Argument on Repeat and Don’t Know Why? Understanding the Games We Play in Relationships
Do your relationships sometimes feel like they’re running on autopilot, with the same tensions, and the same outcomes, over and over?
You’re not imagining it. Many people who come to couples therapy do so as they feel stuck in patterns of relating that feel familiar but painful. These patterns are often unconscious and shaped by beliefs formed in childhood, reinforced by later experiences to become patterns and habits of relating to ourselves and others. In this post, I’m looking at a simple but powerful concept that helps make sense of these cycles: the “psychological game”.
What Is a Psychological Game?
Have you ever felt an odd tension at the beginning of a conversation, a sense of unease that feels familiar but you can’t quite name? This might be a sign that you’re at the beginning of a game.
The term psychological game comes from Eric Berne's classic book “Games People Play” and, even though this was written decades ago, this idea still rings true today, and is a common theory in Transactional Analysis and other forms of therapy.
Unlike in sport, a psychological game is not fun, it’s function is painful, not playful, it’s a repeated pattern of interpersonal behaviour designed to create emotional predictability through repeated cycles of behaviour. This leaves both people in the game feeling worse, confused, stuck or hurt and, in most cases, it happens without us realising it.
The game patterns that I see in my couples work are driven by deeper, hidden beliefs and needs, ones just outside conscious awareness which are difficult to name, such as:
It’ll all go wrong in the end somehow
No one understands me
I have to do everything on my own
Problems never get resolved
People only care when I’m in pain
What Does a Game Look Like?
Let's take a look at a common example I see, where someone may be asking for help.
“This isn’t working…Why Don’t You...Yes, But”
You might start off sharing a problem with your partner, something like, “I just don’t know what to do about this, what I’m doing isn’t working”.
They then spring into action offering suggestions and ways to solve the problem: “Maybe try X? Have you thought about Y?”
You quickly dismiss each suggestion. “No, that wouldn’t work”, “you don’t understand”, “that’ll create another problem”, “you’re not listening”. Each “solution” creates another problem.
Eventually, you both feel exhausted.
So, what’s going on here? You might be unconsciously trying to confirm a belief you can’t quite name. Your partner might be driven by a need to fix things to feel a sense of importance and agency.
From the outside, it looks like one person is asking for help and the other is offering it. But underneath, you’re playing out old stories. This is where our Scripts, come into play.
The Stages of a Psychological Game
Games follow predictable patterns and outcomes, the content of what is discussed can vary greatly but the psychological processes underneath are the same. Games are a yearning for intimacy gone wrong on both sides, where there isn’t quite the awareness of underlying needs or the language or safety to express them.
The Hook
A game starts with one person in the couple wanting to express a need but struggling to do so. Expressing a need requires emotional safety as it means acknowledging and showing a level of vulnerability and that’s not easy, especially if you have experienced being criticised for being vulnerable in the past, and sharing those thoughts and feelings has resulted in you being minimised and dismissed.
If you’re saying “can you help me” you might be communicating that you feel overwhelmed, ashamed, or out of your depth. What you need is to be seen and accepted without criticism. So, “can you help me” might mean “will you love me if I can’t do this alone?”.
So, if you’ve started a conversation by asking for help but actually want reassurance, this creates a “hook”, an inauthentic starting point inviting your partner into a game.
The hook is a two-way thing. It needs to activate a script belief in your partner for the game to really get going. In this case, your partner’s script belief may be that they only feel they have worth if they are competent, helpful and able to solve problems proactively. So, hearing you say “can you help me”, their feelings of self-worth in that moment become dependent on fixing the problem. Not managing to do that risks difficult feelings emerging for them.
The Build-Up
This is when the conversation continues in a way that will reinforce each person's unconscious role. You may feel a familiar sense of bodily tensions and unease, that is hard to name. It may feel like anxiety, confusion, or you may feel a bit empty while running on autopilot, one way or another the tension increases as the conversation based on each of your “hooks” develops. With each round the deeper need gets pushed down and the tension builds until you can’t contain the pressure any more.
The Switch
This is when things blow up, and then break down. The pressure of the unexpressed needs builds to the point that it’s intolerable. The game switches from containment and suppression to explosion and mess. Either one of you will snap, withdraw or lash out. It may look like:
“You never really want to help me”
“You never listen, I’m exhausted”
“Oh god, I feel so shit that I can’t do this”
“It’s gone wrong and it’s all your fault”
In short, the deeper unconscious feelings that were not met in the hook come to the surface and spill over.
The Reckoning
At this stage, you’ll both feel bad. Your underlying beliefs are confirmed and the familiarity of the pattern becomes more obvious, “how did this happen, again?!” Over time the repetition of these cycles can confirm script beliefs, entrench resentment and anger, and increase the emotional distance between you and your partner. Neither of you feel understood, and you may even feel you’re losing part of yourself with each cycle of the game.
Games and The Drama Triangle
If you read my piece in the Drama Triangle, you may be thinking that they are the same. They are similar: the Drama Triangle describes specific roles, such as victim, rescuer or persecutor. Psychological games focus on the beliefs behind those roles and the interdependence of different roles within couples. Both models are insightful ways to understand why couples can and do fall into the same emotional cycles.
Why This Matters
In my work in couples therapy, I focus on creating space to safely explore what might be going on under the surface. When couples can name the pattern, they create a little more space and a bit more choice. With time and work, couples can create enough safety to stop reacting to a wound and start responding with awareness.
Therapy is the place where we can notice these games in action, gently understand the beliefs behind them, and begin to shift the script.
If This Resonates
Games are a normal process in relationships. We all get stuck in loops, awareness brings choice. You don’t always need to play the same roles. If you need help assessing the underlying need, what’s under the hook, feel free to get in touch. As a couples therapist and gay couples therapist London, the therapy I offer can be a space to explore this, to slow down and to help you and your partner write something new together.
Frequently Asked Questions About Psychological Games in Transactional Analysis
1. How Do Psychological Games Differ from Everyday Conflicts?
Psychological games are repetitive and unconscious patterns of interaction, which can leave a couple feeling stuck, as there are often hidden or ulterior motives.
2. Why Do People Play These Games If The Outcome is Usually Negative For Their Relationship?
Games are designed to create emotional predictability, this can feel safer than the unknown, even if it is an emotionally unsatisfying pattern of behaviour.
3. How Can I Spot Psychological Games in My Own Relationship?
If there are repeated patterns of behaviour, leading to conversations that make both of you feel bad, resentful or anxious, then this can be a sign of a psychological game. A couples therapist can help break these cycles and create healthier and more open communication.
Alex is a qualified Transactional Analysis psychotherapeutic counsellor who works with individuals and couples. He offers couples relationship counselling to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of current struggles. He trained at the Metanoia Institute and is a registered member of BACP.
References
Berne, E (1964) Games People Play. The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. New York: Grove Press
Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.