Untangling the Drama Triangle
Understanding Conflict Roles in Relationships
In life, there is stress.
In moments of stress or conflict in relationships, we will often unconsciously step into roles that feel familiar, even if these roles are unhelpful or hindering. This can heighten tension, and over time entrench behaviour which can lead couples to seek face-to-face therapy.
The Drama Triangle, which was developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman, offers an insightful framework for couples to understand these dynamics. This view looks at three roles that couples can fall into during relational tension. The Victim, the Rescuer, and the Persecutor.
Learn about the Drama Triangle in under 3 minutes here; ideal for those who are going to couples therapy or want to learn about the dynamics
The Three Roles
The Victim will see themselves as helpless, oppressed, and powerless in a situation. They may feel stuck and unable to connect with their agency and responsibility. Their inner voice may say “I’m helpless. Why is this happening to me?”
The Rescuer will often rush in to save others, even if they haven’t been asked to do so. This can be a noble endeavour, but it may come from a place of trying to avoid their own discomfort. They may, unconsciously, enable the victim’s helplessness, rather than support change. Thus, they may appear to come from a position of authority, as they assume that the other person lacks capacity. Their inner voice may say “I need to help them, as they can’t help themselves.’
Lastly, The Persecutor will blame, control, and criticize, the impact of this can create fear and shame in others. This may also be motivated by their own unmet emotional needs and a need to feel in control of a situation. Their inner voice may sound like “They don’t know better, but I do, and I can make them do it”
Each of the roles perpetuates a cycle, preventing resolution and maintaining conflict. During conflict in couples there is often a shift in their roles, for example starting as the rescuer then lashing out as the persecutor when they become frustrated when their “help” is not accepted. The point of these ‘switches’ is often when a disagreement escalates into a full-blown row and communication stops altogether.
The Drama Triangle
Recognizing the Pattern
This triangle thrives on reaction rather than reflection. Those who attend couples therapy may jump to these roles without thinking about how they feel, or considering what they need. The key to breaking the loop is awareness so, if this seems familiar, ask yourself:
Am I trying to fix someone without their request?
Am I blaming or shaming
Do I feel powerless or resentful?
By spotting the role you’re in, you can make space for a more intentional response, while assessing your needs are feelings in that moment. You can also pause to reflect on the impact what you will say will have on others.
Moving Towards Empowerment
With the help of relationship counselling, couples can step out of the Drama Triangle and adopt healthier ways to communicate. This model is based on the idea of a Winner’s Triangle.
From Victim to Creator – Accepting your authentic vulnerability along with the agency you have; you can ask for appropriate support from those around you, rather than invite rescuing, and engage with your own resources.
From Rescuer to Coach- You can offer encouragement and empathy, without feeling the need to take over completely.
From Persecutor to Challenger- You can name issues with assertiveness and respect, without causing shame or pointing blame.
These shifts are in no way a small thing and they require the willingness to be vulnerable, as well as curious. They invite a different style of relating to each other, and yourself while being open and less reactive or defensive.
In Therapy and Beyond
Understanding the Drama Triangle is a valuable tool in couples therapy, as well as relational work. It helps identify the power dynamics in relationships, as well as the emotional patterns that can appear in everyday interactions. By highlighting these roles, couples and individuals can relate to those around them with more authenticity, accountability, and emotional safety.
Remember, the Drama Triangle isn’t about judgment or labels. It’s about acknowledging the unconscious patterns that we all repeat, and allows for a path to a more conscious and connected way of relating to others.
Alex is a qualified Transactional Analysis psychotherapeutic counsellor who works with individuals and offers couples relationship counselling to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of current struggles. He trained at the Metanoia Institute and is a registered member of BACP.
References
Karpman, S. (1971). Options. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(1), 79–87. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100115
KARPMAN, S. Script Drama Analysis, Transactional Analysis Bullitin 7:26, April 1968
Choy, A. (1990) The Winner’s Triangle, Transactional Analysis Journal, 20 (1): 40–46.