The Compassion Triangle: Moving from Drama to Connection
Last week, we looked at the Drama Triangle, a model developed by Dr Stephen Karpman, which explored the roles that couples may take on during conflict: Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. This week is a follow up, exploring the Compassion Triangle. An idea that appeared in Karpman’s later work, this moves from reaction to reflection.
A Quick Recap: What is the Drama Triangle?
In emotional situations, or times of tension, couples may fall into the following roles
Victim- feeling overwhelmed, powerless, or stuck.
Rescuer- tries to fix things, often without being asked to do so.
Persecutor- criticizes, controls and points blame.
These can keep couples locked in repetitive cycles and, often, the parties in the couple do not stay in one role. They may move between them, or even hold the elements of all three at once.
A Kinder Look at the Roles
So, let’s look at each role with a compassionate lens.
Persecutor
Feels: Hurt, frustrated and threatened
Does: Controls, lashes out and blames
Impact: Other(s) in couple may feel attacked or shut down
Compassion Triangle View: This behaviour often masks feeling vulnerable. Taking a step back to identify what you are defending against can help couples to express themselves in a clearer and kinder manner.
Victim
Feels: Stuck, misunderstood, and powerless
Does: Resists help, withdraws or gives up.
Impact: Leaves others frustrated, unsure of how to connect or offer support.
Compassion Triangle view: This victim role can highlight a deep need to feel supported or seen. Spotting areas where there is choice, even if they are small, can restore a sense of agency.
Rescuer
Feels: Responsible, anxious, or uncomfortable with other people being in pain.
Does: Take over, fix and advises.
Impact: Unintentional undermining of another person’s autonomy.
Compassion Triangle view: Wanting to help is human but slowing down and asking what is needed can help in a respectful and empowering way.
Step One: Start with Yourself
With the Compassion Triangle in couples therapy, the first move is inward. So, couples need to ask themselves:
What role could I be playing?
What am I really feeling right now?
What is driving me to act in this way?
This is not about blaming or shaming. It is about reflecting and noticing what could be occurring under the surface of the actions. This can take time and a gentle, courageous approach.
Step Two: Offer Compassion to Others
Once someone understands what is occurring on the inside, they are better placed to look outward with a bit more clarity and to ask:
What roles is the other person taking right now?
How might they be feeling underneath their actions?
Can I have compassion for their experience, without necessarily agreeing with their actions?
This is not about excusing hurtful behaviours in partners; it is about seeing the humanity in them, as well as seeing it in the self. Compassion opens the space for empathy, even if boundaries are needed. This starts with the often-uncomfortable stage of acknowledging what the impact of one person has been on another, and how their behaviour can impact back.
Compassion as a Bridge
Compassion is what helps couples to move from being stuck to authentically connecting. It helps them to step out of fixed roles and into more honest relationships. By noticing the patterns, pausing, and becoming curious, they can stop reacting on autopilot. A relationship counsellor can help them to stop reacting on autopilot, by creating space to respond with awareness and care.
From that space, intimacy can thrive. Not based on fixing, pleasing, or protecting but intimacy that is rooted in trust, respect, and emotional honesty.
Alex is a qualified Transactional Analysis psychotherapeutic counsellor who works with individuals and offers couples relationship counselling to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of current struggles. He trained at the Metanoia Institute and is a registered member of BACP.
References
Karpman, S. (2014) A Game Free Life: The New Transactional Analysis of Intimacy, Openness, and Happiness: San Francisco. Drama Triangle Publications. ISBN-13: 978-0-9905867-0-8.
Karpman, S. (1971). Options. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(1), 79–87. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100115
KARPMAN, S. Script Drama Analysis, Transactional Analysis Bull" 7:26, April 1968