Worried You’re Too Needy? Or Are Your Needs Just Not Being Met?
You might be asking yourself this after yet another difficult conversation, the same familiar argument, or in the quiet space that follows reaching out and feeling unheard. Maybe you have noticed yourself holding back, worried you will come across to the other person as too much. Or maybe you are reaching more often for reassurance, hoping to feel closer and more secure.
It is a vulnerable question. Am I expecting too much? Or is something actually missing?
Many people carry hidden shame around their emotional needs. You may have been taught directly or indirectly that needing comfort, reassurance or closeness was weak, selfish or excessive. So, when needs arise, they can bring up anxiety. Will this be welcomed? Will it push the other person away?
These doubts are common. But they are often built on a misunderstanding of what needs really are.
Feelings of neediness often arise when core emotional needs have been unmet for too long. You may have adapted by reaching out more frequently, or by shutting down and becoming emotionally self-sufficient to the point of isolation. Or you may have given up having some of your needs met by your partner, and this then results in greater expectations of your friends. These patterns are often formed in childhood and earlier relationships, and form part of our life Script, showing up repeatedly in the present.
The question is not whether you should have needs. You already do. The deeper inquiry is: how are you trying to get them met? And are your strategies helping you build a deeper connection, or pushing it further away? Or, do you need the help of in-person or online relationship counselling to help you express your needs without feeling shame? And build the resilience to manage when your needs aren’t met.
Emotional Needs Are Not Flaws
Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy, wrote of the human hungers, biological and emotional needs we have for healthy functioning. These include stimulus-hunger (the need for physical touch and mental stimulation) and recognition-hunger (the need to be seen and valued as a person). Healthy development throughout life requires that these hungers are met.
Put another way, we all have needs. To be heard. To feel seen. To be treated with respect. To matter to someone else. To be hugged. To be loved.
These needs are not signs of failure. Humans have evolved with them, and they are signals that we want to engage with ourselves, others and the world around us in a healthy way. When we feel “needy,” this is relational information that tells us we are hurting, what we long for, and our innate hungers have not been met.
The deeper question is whether those needs are being acknowledged and responded to in a way that feels mutual, safe and respectful, how often those needs are being met, and by whom.
Where It Gets More Difficult
What happens when you name your needs, and they cannot be met? Or perhaps they are met briefly, but the interaction still leaves you feeling emotionally unsatisfied.
This is often where it becomes emotionally complicated. If you ask for something and don’t get it, are you able to tolerate that disappointment without falling into self-blame, resentment or attack? Can you stay curious about why the other person cannot meet your needs, or do you shut down, lash out, or feel diminished?
Sometimes, we place unrealistic pressure on one person to meet all our emotional needs. You might find yourself seeking validation from a partner because of a disappointment at work, or expecting your friend to always be emotionally available because others in your life are not.
It can also help to reflect on your ability to self-soothe and to regulate your own emotions. Can you appraise your own worth and achievements without depending solely on external affirmation?
There is a balance to be found. Relationships are about interdependence, not hyper-independence or complete reliance.
Turning the Mirror Around
If you are struggling to have your needs met, it can be helpful to ask: Do I also create space for others to express their needs to me? Can I hear their requests honestly and respond with clarity, even when I cannot meet them? Can I tolerate hearing that I didn’t meet the needs of another? Do I compassionately say no? Or do I go numb? Or do I attack to shut down the conversation? Or do I say yes with words, and no with actions?
Peeling back the layers
In client work, I often focus on identifying patterns of behaviour and emotional responses. For example, if a client is getting into the same cycle of feeling too needy, I might explore this to see what else might be contributing to this cycle, viewing the “neediness” as a doorway into a deeper understanding about what is going on beneath the surface emotions.
This is an opportunity for deeper work to peel back the layers of your own experience; for example, do you expect your partner to respond to your messages or clean up after themselves within a certain amount of time? How much time and why? Do you know why this is important to you? Have you been able to express that importance to them? How much of that comes from a need to feel in control, and how much is a reasonable, practical expectation? Do these overlap, leaving you confused about what you should be asking for, and from whom? Or, are you unconsciously playing a game?
And what about more fundamental needs? How often do partner, friends or family members show affection, care and love, and how is this done? And how often do you do the same?
What Therapy Can Help You Explore
In therapy, you can:
Explore the beliefs you hold about your own emotional needs
Learn how to name and express those needs more easily
Understand the impact of past relationships on your current patterns of relating
Discover what it means to create mutual emotional space in relationships
Uncover strategies for self-regulation
You can also begin to recognise the difference between needs that can be negotiated within a relationship and those that may need to be met in other ways, such as through friendship, creative expression, community, contact with nature, or self-reflection.
FAQs
1. Is it unhealthy to need reassurance in a relationship?
Not at all. Wanting reassurance is natural, especially during times of stress or when there are feelings of disconnection. It becomes unhelpful when it is the only way you feel secure. Attending therapy can help you build internal sources of reassurance while also learning how to ask for what you need from others.
2. What if I feel ashamed of having emotional needs?
Shame around needs often comes from earlier experiences where those needs were dismissed or judged. Therapy can help you explore where that shame began and support you in developing a healthier relationship with your emotional self.
3. How can I tell the difference between expressing a need and being demanding?
Consider tone, timing and mutuality. Expressing a need invites connection. Demanding usually comes from fear and tries to control the outcome.
Final Thoughts
If you are asking yourself whether you are too needy in your daily life, or in personal relationships, consider this instead: perhaps your needs are completely valid, but the way you have learned to relate to them is where the pain lives.
The goal is not to erase your needs or push them aside. It is to develop ways of expressing and holding them with compassion, clarity and care. Needs are part of being human. How we handle them, both ours and others', shapes the quality of our relationships and the depth of our emotional lives.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.
English, F. (1971). The Substitution Factor: Rackets and Real Feelings: Part I. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(4), 27–32. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100408