Stuck in a Repetitive Conflict in Your Relationship? Saying the Unspeakable Might be the Way Out

It starts in an all too familiar way: a passing comment, a look, a tone that shifts something in your body before your mind has the chance to catch up. You feel the tightening in your chest, the bracing, the unease in the pit of your stomach, the quiet feeling of here we go again.

You might not even be able to say exactly what has gone wrong. On the surface, it seems like a minor issue: plans changed, a chore not done, a message that felt sharp or distant, or one that left you on blue tick for a bit too long. Yet emotionally, it lands with disproportionate force. You feel misunderstood, dismissed, unseen. Or suddenly on the back foot, trying to explain yourself before anything has escalated.

Later, you replay it. Repeating what was said, what was done and how you wish you’d responded. You wonder why it affected you so strongly. You tell yourself you should have handled it better. What lingers is not just the disagreement, but the sense that this argument belongs to a much longer, deeper story. One you seem to keep stepping back into.

Many couples get stuck in repeated conflicts that aren’t isolated disagreements. The pattern of these conflicts can even repeat in different relationships, such as with a friend, a colleague, or a family member. Different people, different situations, yet the emotional shape feels eerily similar. The same roles emerge, the same ending: withdrawal, escalation, silence, resentment. This repetition points to unfinished business, rather than communication which needs to be managed.

Why Conflict Often Feels Older Than the Relationship

Conflict is rarely just about what is happening in the moment. What gives it its charge is what sits underneath the words. What is implied and assumed, rather than spoken, and what the situation means emotionally and symbolically, not just practically.

Each of us develops emotional blueprints early in life, a life script. These are not conscious choices, rather adaptations to navigate an imperfect world. Choices made as children, that served to provide some emotional safety. Ways of learning how relationships work, how closeness is maintained, and how conflict is survived. We learn, often very young, whether it is safe to express anger or disappointment, whether needs will be met or dismissed, and what we must do to stay connected.

Over time, these early experiences form patterns. They shape how we interpret others, how we respond under pressure, and what we fear might happen if we assert ourselves and say what might feel unspeakable.  Because these patterns develop before we have language or choice, they tend to operate outside awareness, yet they remain active in adult relationships.

This is why conflict can feel so familiar. The present moment activates something older. The argument with a partner may echo the feeling of never being quite heard. A friend’s reaction may stir a deep fear of being too much, a different relationship, the same emotional memory.

The Cycle of Conflict, Rupture, and Repair

I am often asked in my work about managing conflict and communication, but approaching conflict in this way can avoid the underlying issue and perpetuate a cycle of avoidance followed by emotional explosiveness or further withdrawal, rather than intimacy, closeness and understanding.

All close relationships experience tension. What matters is not whether conflict happens, but what happens when it does and learning to lean into healthy conflict, and to understand each other and yourself better. Every disagreement creates the potential for emotional rupture, the moment where connection falters, where one or both people feel misunderstood, hurt, or alone. These ruptures are not failures; they are inevitable. What determines the health of a relationship is whether it is attended to, and how.

Trust and relationship resilience are built through repeated experiences of repair. This happens when misunderstandings are acknowledged, when impact is named, and when there is space to understand what happened emotionally for each person.

When ruptures are ignored, minimised, or rushed past, mistrust grows quietly, over time, and unrepaired moments accumulate; even small disagreements begin to feel charged. Repeated conflict is rarely about one argument. It is about a history of moments that were never quite resolved.

When Familiar Reactions Take Over

That internal reaction (often felt in the body), the one that says here we go again, is an important signal showing the point where an old pattern has been activated. In these moments, words are rarely heard neutrally. A simple request can sound like criticism, and a question can feel like an accusation. The meaning we attach to what is said is shaped by emotional memory, not just the present interaction.

The same words can be said, but two people can hear and experience them entirely differently. The conflict does not live in the words themselves. It lives in the interpretation and the meaning we attribute to those words. When trust is low, we tend to assume negative intention. When trust is higher, we are more able to stay curious, even when feelings are stirred.

Unhealthy Conflict Grows in the Gap

Unhealthy conflict grows in the gap between intention and impact, between what was said and what was heard, between what was meant and what was felt, between the internal reaction and the external response.

When this gap is not named and explored, people retreat into familiar strategies: withdrawing, defending, explaining, appeasing or attacking. These strategies once made sense. They helped protect something important. Over time, however, they can erode trust and limit closeness. Noticing these patterns is not about blame; it’s about understanding.

Patterns are not the problem; rather, they are the way in. When the same conflicts repeat across different relationships, a knee-jerk reaction is to rationalise what would end the conflict: what the other should do or should have done, what you could do or should have done differently.

Next time, take a step back, and rather than viewing the pattern as a failure, try seeing it as an open door to understand what is unresolved for both of you, and how you can close the gap of understanding between you. The pattern is probably pointing to something that needs closer attention, even if it’s not something either of you is consciously aware of; it could mean naming something scary, such as a fear or a need you have never voiced out loud before.

How to Promote Healthier Conflict

Healthy conflict does not mean calm voices or perfect timing. It means staying engaged without escalating harm. This often involves slowing things down enough to speak from experience rather than accusation. Saying what is happening inside you, rather than interpreting the other person’s behaviour. Listening to understand, not to defend. Checking what you heard instead of assuming you know.

It also involves separating your internal reaction from your external response. You may feel flooded, angry, or hurt, and still choose how you respond. That pause can be uncomfortable, but it is often where change becomes possible. Expressing needs clearly and directly helps too, not as demands, but as invitations. A shift from criticism towards clarity can transform how a message is received.

Repair Is Where Trust Is Built

Repair does not require perfection; it requires willingness. Repair means returning to a moment after emotions have settled and saying, this mattered. Giving space after the heat of a conflict, then returning to attend to it. Each time a rupture is attended to, a relationship becomes more resilient. Trust grows not because nothing goes wrong, but because something can be repaired.

Much of my work is with couples, as well as individuals navigating relationship difficulties. These dynamics exist in every close relationship; we are all human, and when we begin to recognise our patterns and understand where they come from, something important can shift in all our relationships, and within us. We gain the capacity to stay present, even in difficulty. To respond with awareness rather than react, and slowly, to step out of the cycle of damaging repetition into something less defended, more flexible, and more connected, although getting there might feel a bit scary for a while.

I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting people to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck, unfulfilled, or disconnected.

I am a qualified psychotherapist, psychotherapeutic counsellor, and certified transactional analyst, trained at the Metanoia Institute in London. I am registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP).

My approach is collaborative, grounded, and, where helpful, straight talking. The aim is to create a space where insight leads to meaningful and lasting change.