Stuck in the Same Argument, Again? Understanding Psychological Games in Relationships
You find yourselves having the same argument again. The words might change, but the feeling remains the same. That familiar tension builds in your chest; you both know where this is heading even before it happens. You promise yourself you will do it differently next time, yet somehow it plays out just the same.
Often, these disagreements start with the small things. One person forgets to buy milk or bread. Another leaves dishes in the sink. What begins as something minor becomes something charged and emotional.
Many couples experience this. They come to therapy describing the same cycle, the same roles, the same frustrations, and the same painful distance afterwards. It can leave you wondering: Why do we keep ending up here?
These recurring loops are rarely random. They are often unconscious patterns shaped by early experiences, replaying beliefs we absorbed long before we met our partner. Emotional shadows of the past get projected onto the present.
What Is a “Game”?
Freud wrote about repetition compulsion, the need to replay early experiences in the hope of achieving a different emotional outcome. In Transactional Analysis psychotherapy, Eric Berne described a similar process, calling it a game in his classic book Games People Play.
Games are familiar, painful, repetitive patterns that bring emotional predictability, even when the result is hurtful. They are not conscious choices but expressions of deep, unspoken needs that lie outside everyday awareness.
Why We Keep Playing
Games in adulthood are built on blueprints created early in life. As children, we rely on parents and caregivers to help us make sense of conflict, distress, and emotional chaos. When this support is inconsistent or absent, we internalise those experiences and they form the basis for a life script.
These internalised patterns become the foundation for games in adult relationships. So while you may get caught in a repeated cycle about who forgot the milk, it is rarely about the milk itself. It is about what it represents,an internal belief carried from childhood such as:
“I’ll be let down by others.”
“I need to be perfect to be accepted.”
“I have to do everything on my own.”
The Stages of a Psychological Game
Although the topics may change, games tend to follow a predictable rhythm, a familiar emotional choreography.
1. The Hook
A game might begin with a simple comment or request: “Can you pick up some milk on the way home?” It sounds straightforward. But when your partner forgets, irritation sets in. You tell yourself it is only milk, yet something deeper stirs.
This is often a disguised, unconscious request for emotional connection, a hope that your partner will notice, remember, or care. When they do not, it touches a familiar wound.
2. The Build-Up
The tension grows. You ask why they forgot again or why it matters so little to them. They might feel blamed or inadequate. Both of you slip into familiar roles, one criticising, one defending or withdrawing. The conversation becomes about milk, but underneath, it is about tender needs in both of you, such as worth, care, and being seen.
3. The Switch
Eventually, the pressure builds until one or both of you snap, withdraw, or shut down. Words like “You never listen” or “You just don’t get it” appear. The unspoken need for care surfaces as anger or shame.
4. The Reckoning
Afterwards, both partners feel bad. Each person’s core belief is reinforced: I’m not understood, I’ve failed again, It’s always on me. The deeper need for closeness was not expressed, so instead of bringing you together, the game deepens the divide.
Games and the Drama Triangle
If you have read my piece on the Drama Triangle, you might recognise the overlap. Both describe recurring emotional roles such as rescuer, victim, or persecutor. The Drama Triangle focuses on the roles themselves; psychological games explore the underlying beliefs that keep these roles alive and how couples unconsciously invite one another into them.
Why This Awareness Matters
In couples therapy, one of the most powerful steps is recognising these patterns as they unfold. When you can name the game, you create choice. You no longer need to react from an old wound; you can begin to respond with awareness.
Therapy helps each partner understand the internal beliefs fuelling the cycle and the unspoken needs beneath the conflict. This work can be difficult but transformative. What once caused antagonism can become an opportunity for connection and repair.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. How do psychological games differ from everyday conflicts?
Psychological games are repetitive, emotionally charged patterns driven by hidden needs and fears rather than the surface issue itself.
2. Why do people keep playing these games if they are painful?
Games offer emotional predictability. They recreate familiar dynamics, which can feel safer than uncertainty, even when the outcome hurts.
3. How can I recognise these games in my own relationship?
If you notice the same arguments repeating with the same emotional outcome, it may be a sign of a game. Couples therapy can help you name and shift these patterns.
Final Thoughts
Recognising the games we play is not about blame; it is about awareness. These patterns developed because they once kept us safe, helping us manage closeness and vulnerability before we had better tools.
Becoming aware of them now gives you a choice. You can pause, notice what is really happening, and speak to the deeper need beneath the irritation. With compassion and curiosity, these moments of awareness can become turning points, transforming conflict into understanding and frustration into closeness.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Berne, E (1964) Games People Play. The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis. New York: Grove Press
Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.
Freud, S. (1920) Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Standard Edition, Vol. 18. London: Hogarth Press, 1955.
Karpman, S. (1971). Options. Transactional Analysis Journal, 1(1), 79–87. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377100100115
Karpman, S. Script Drama Analysis, Transactional Analysis Bullitin 7:26, April 1968