When Avoiding Anxiety Makes It Stronger
The more I try not to think about it, the worse it gets.
Anxiety can feel like an unwelcome shadow that follows you through the day.
It might show up as a tightness in your chest before a meeting, a restless night when your mind refuses to switch off, or a constant background hum that makes it hard to fully relax.
It’s natural to want to push these feelings away. It’s normal to tell yourself that you are feeling fine as a way to avoid the discomfort. You might tell yourself not to give them too much attention, to “just get on with it”, or to stay busy so you do not get pulled in. It can feel as though ignoring anxiety will stop it from taking hold.
However, avoiding anxiety often gives it more space to grow.
What Is Anxiety?
What is anxiety, and how can you spot it?
The word anxiety is commonly used to describe a broad range of feelings, including physical unease or nervousness. It is also used to describe specific medical diagnoses such as Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) or other anxiety-related conditions.
A 2021 article from psychotherapists Ligabue and Tenconi proposes a distinction between fear and anxiety: fear being a direct response to threat, which ceases when the threat is removed. Anxiety is described as
“the shadow of fear that comes from the past or is projected into the future.”
So, while similar, anxiety will persist without a present threat, holding on like an echo from the past which, can make the future feel terrifying and overwhelming.
The prevalence of anxiety
Many high-profile individuals now openly talk about their experience of anxiety and how it affects their work, relationships and overall well-being. For many, it can significantly impact their quality of life.
According to the Office for National Statistics (ONS), around one in three adults in the UK reports experiencing high levels of anxiety. Rates are highest among younger adults, with 42% of people aged 16 to 29 experiencing high anxiety, compared with 34% aged 30 to 49.
Why Avoidance Makes Anxiety Worse
Anxiety is often rooted in fear about what might happen in the future. Sometimes it is linked to something specific, but often it is more general and harder to name. When you turn away from it, the uncertainty can start to feel even bigger and more threatening.
When the fear stays vague, it can grow, and your body remains in a heightened state of alert. Over time, this constant readiness for danger can be exhausting.
Seeing Anxiety in a Different Way
What can you do about anxiety?
One gentle shift that can make a big difference is to see anxiety not as something you “have” but as “feelings of anxiety” you are experiencing right now.
Feelings are part of being human. They rise and fall. They can be intense, but they do not define you. Explore a gentle reframe: you are not your anxiety; you are someone who is noticing anxious feelings in this moment.
This small change can create space between you and the experience, making it easier to observe what is happening without feeling consumed by it.
When anxiety shows up, you might gently ask yourself:
What exactly am I worrying about?
What might this worry be trying to protect me from?
What do I know to be true in this moment?
These questions can help you ground yourself in the here and now, rather than getting swept into “what ifs” about the future.
Three Gentle Practices to Try Today
If you want to begin softening anxiety’s hold, here are three simple steps you can experiment with:
Pause for ten breaths:
When you feel tension building, stop for a moment. Take ten slow breaths, paying attention to the way your chest or belly rises and falls. You are not trying to get rid of the feeling, just making space to notice it.
Name the feeling:
Quietly say to yourself, “I notice I am feeling anxious.” Naming it without judgment can help you step out of automatic reaction and into awareness:
Gently explore the worry:
Ask yourself what the real concern is. What do you know for certain? What is imagined? What might help you feel a little safer in this moment?
How Therapy Can Help You Understand Anxiety
While small daily practices can bring relief, they do not always explain why anxiety returns. Therapy can help you understand the deeper patterns behind it, so you can address the roots rather than only the symptoms. While there are common themes, everyone’s experience of anxiety will be different.
In Transactional Analysis therapy, we look at early “script” messages: the beliefs and rules we absorbed as children about ourselves, others, and the world. For example, you might have learned it was not safe to express certain emotions, or that you had to stay alert for danger. These strategies might have helped you cope as a child, but as an adult, they can keep anxiety alive even when the original threat is long gone.
Sometimes, anxiety is what Fanita English called a “substitute feeling”, an emotion that covers something more vulnerable underneath. For example, anxiety might sit on top of sadness, grief, or anger that feels too risky to express.
Through therapy, you can begin to:
Recognise what triggers your anxiety
Understand what it might be protecting you from
Learn ways to calm your nervous system when you feel on edge
Strengthen your resilience in daily life and relationships
Reconnect with parts of yourself you may have had to hide
How Anxiety Can Affect Relationships
Anxiety is not only something you feel inside, but it also often shows up in how you relate to others. It might lead to overthinking your partner’s words, avoiding certain topics to keep the peace, or feeling overly sensitive to signs of disconnection.
Some people find that anxiety is strongest during certain stages of a relationship. The Bader-Pearson model of couple development describes a phase after the honeymoon period when partners begin to re-establish their individuality and accept differences between them. This is a healthy and necessary stage, but for those with an anxious pattern of relating, differences can feel unsafe. You might hold back from expressing your real thoughts and feelings, fearing it will create distance rather than deepen connection. Here, couples therapy can help both individuals and couples recognise when anxiety is influencing the dynamic, and work towards creating more emotional safety and openness.
Final Thoughts
Anxiety is not a weakness. It is a signal that something matters to you, whether it is a present concern or an echo from the past.
Avoiding it might feel easier in the moment, but over time, it can keep you trapped in a cycle of uncertainty and self-protection. Turning towards it, with curiosity, patience, and compassion, can gradually loosen its grip.
You might want to ask yourself:
What could I learn about myself if I stayed with this feeling rather than pushing it away?
What would it be like to show this part of me some kindness instead of judgment?
Over time, these small acts of attention and care can help you feel calmer, more grounded, and more connected to yourself and those around you. And if you feel ready, working with a therapist can offer the support and guidance you need to explore your anxiety in a safe and understanding space.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Ligabue, S., & Tenconi, P. M. (2021). The Experience of Anxiety in Body and Mind: A Transactional Analysis Perspective. Transactional Analysis Journal, 51(4), 335–350. https://doi.org/10.1080/03621537.2021.1974211
English, F. (1972). Rackets and Real Feelings: Part II. Transactional Analysis Journal, 2(1), 23–25. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377200200108
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/generalised-anxiety-disorder-gad/