The Dangers of Not Arguing: How Quiet Disagreements Grow
TLDR: Silent tension in relationships can be as damaging as open conflict. Avoiding small disagreements may protect peace in the moment but erodes trust, intimacy, and connection over time.
Quiet avoidance allows unspoken resentments to build, creating emotional distance.
Research links unresolved issues to lower relationship satisfaction and stability.
Healthy conflict, framed with curiosity and safety, strengthens trust and relationship intimacy.
You’re not fighting.
There are no raised voices, no slamming doors. On the surface, everything seems fine.
But there’s a faint tension in the air. Conversations feel a little shorter. You’re both polite, maybe even affectionate, but the warmth is thinner than it used to be.
It’s not that there’s nothing to talk about. It’s that neither of you quite knows how to bring up the small things that are bothering you. Or maybe you do know, but you worry it will turn into a bigger issue. So, you let it slide.
And the silence grows.
When connection fades quietly
Quiet disagreements can be just as damaging as loud ones. They’re the subtle moments where you don’t fully understand each other, but you also don’t want to rock the boat. Over time, this can create an emotional distance in relationships that’s harder to bridge than a one-off argument.
When partners avoid small points of tension, they also avoid the chance to understand each other better. Without shared understanding, you risk slipping into parallel lives, peaceful on the outside, lonely on the inside.
The cost of staying silent
You may think that keeping the peace by not starting a conversation protects your relationship, but research tells us otherwise. Avoidance by one person can increase the expectation of hostility in the other. This can have a knock on effect of increased inauthentic behaviour such as defensiveness, withdrawal or substituting fear for forced positivity to keep the peace. In their 2006 publication Conflict in Dating and Marital Relationships, authors Caughlin and Vangelisti discuss how:
“expected hostility may lead the individuals to be particularly positive or to avoid conflicts altogether”
This isn’t just about harsh words, or avoiding them completely, it’s about what’s left unsaid. Avoiding disagreement might feel safer in the moment, but unresolved issues slowly eat away at connection.
In Transactional Analysis Psychotherapy, this pattern is sometimes explained through the idea of stamp collecting. Each time you swallow a frustration or avoid raising a concern, it’s like adding another “stamp” to a book. On its own, one stamp doesn’t seem like much. But when enough have built up, the book eventually gets cashed in, often through an explosion of anger, withdrawal, or even a breakup.
Couples can also build collective stamp books. When both partners consistently avoid small conflicts, they silently add to a shared ledger of grievances. The relationship may look calm, but underneath, unspoken resentments accumulate. By the time they surface, they feel overwhelming.
And this aligns with what many couples say matters most. A recent YouGov survey found that out of 32 factors, the largest shares of Americans deem as very important to a successful relationship: trust (94%), honesty (92%), respect (91%), and open communication (87%).
If communication ranks alongside trust and respect as a pillar of intimacy, then silence can weaken that foundation.
Moving from distance to dialogue
The goal isn’t to turn every quiet moment into a debate, but to gently make space for honest conversation before small tensions turn into bigger gaps. Working with couples, I often suggest a simple framework to normalise leaning into healthy conflict, with the intention of building trust and relationship intimacy, such as:
Start small. Bring up a minor preference or feeling without framing it as a complaint. This helps you both practise having differences without it feeling like a threat.
Use curiosity. Try asking, “How do you see it?” or “What’s your take on this?” rather than leading with your own frustration.
Check your fears. Ask yourself: Am I avoiding this because I think it will cause harm, or because I’ve learned to equate disagreement with danger?
Agree on safety signals. In couples therapy, I often help partners create ways to signal when a conversation is about connection, not attack. This can lower the fear of opening up.
Final thoughts
Not every silence in a relationship is a problem. Sometimes it’s a sign of comfort. But if your quiet moments are tinged with unease, it might be time to look closer.
The unargued disconnect can feel safe in the short term, but long-term connection relies on more than avoiding conflict. It depends on your ability to be seen and heard, especially when you don’t agree.
Therapy offers a space to explore these patterns, understand where they come from, the associated life script messages, and practise a different way of relating. Because the goal isn’t to fight more. It’s to talk more, listen more, and bridge the gap before it becomes a canyon.
FAQs
Why is avoiding small disagreements harmful in relationships? If you avoid small disagreement, this may keep the peace short-term, but it can allow resentment to build silently, create emotional distance and may weaken intimacy over time.
How can couples address quiet tension without starting a fight?
Couples can address tension by starting with small, non-threatening topics, asking open ended questions by using curiosity rather than criticism. With couples therapy, couples can learn these skills, creating greater connection.What signs suggest it’s time to seek couples therapy for communication issues?
If your conversations feel shorter, emotional warmth seems to be lacking, or both partners are avoiding topics out of fear of conflict, it may be time to consider couples therapy in London.
About Me
I offer individual and couples therapy, supporting clients to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of feeling stuck or disconnected.
I’m a psychotherapeutic counsellor trained in Transactional Analysis at the Metanoia Institute, and a registered member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). My approach is collaborative and grounded in curiosity, with appropriate challenge where needed to support meaningful change.
References
Caughlin, J., & Vangelisti, A. (2006). Conflict in dating and marital relationships. In J. G. Oetzel, S. Ting-Toomey (Eds.) Conflict in dating and marital relationships (pp. 129-158). SAGE Publications, Inc., https://doi.org/10.4135/9781412976176.n5
English, F. (1972). Rackets and Real Feelings: Part II. Transactional Analysis Journal, 2(1), 23–25. https://doi.org/10.1177/036215377200200108
https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/generalised-anxiety-disorder-gad/