Ever been lied to? Ever lied and admitted it? What Lies in Relationships Tell Us

11 Jul

You sense something’s off.

A pause that lasts too long. A smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. A story that shifts the second time it’s told.

Maybe you ask a direct question and get a vague reply. Or maybe you don’t ask because you already know you won’t get the full truth.

Whether it’s a small untruth, an obvious contradiction, or simply a feeling in your gut, you’re left wondering:

Am I being lied to? And if so, why?

But then another question often follows, more quietly:

Have I ever done the same?

We like to think of lying as something “other people” do. But if we’re honest, most of us have softened the truth to avoid hurting someone. Or said we were fine when we weren’t. Or dodged a conversation that felt too loaded to hold.

So why do we lie, to others and to ourselves?

Lies Aren’t Always What They Seem

It’s easy to think of lying as black and white. Wrong versus right. Honest versus deceptive. But most lies in relationships live in the grey areas.

People lie to protect themselves.

To avoid confrontation.

To escape shame.

To stay connected in moments where telling the truth might feel like tearing the relationship apart.

Sometimes people lie because they’re afraid that if they’re fully seen, or met with anger, grief, desire and uncertainty, they won’t be accepted. Sometimes they lie because they’ve learned that honesty leads to punishment, not understanding.

These are not excuses. But they are invitations to look deeper.

Lying, at its core, is often about emotional risk. And getting to the cause of why it is seen as an emotional risk is at the heart of undertaking marriage counselling sessions, or even one-to-one-sessions can seek to uncover.

The Lies That Live in Silence

Not all lies are spoken. Some live in the things we carefully don’t say. The truths we hold back. The glances we avoid. The parts of ourselves we edit or hide.

Have you ever told yourself something wasn’t a big deal, just to keep the peace?

Have you ever pretended not to notice something about your partner, about yourself, because noticing it might change everything?

This kind of lying in relationships often does more harm than loud lying. Not because they’re worse, but because they can quietly erode trust, intimacy, and safety over time.

Naming Boundaries vs. Hiding Truths

There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy. You don’t have to share everything. You’re allowed to keep some parts of yourself just for you.

But sometimes, it feels easier to lie than to say, “That’s private.”

Because naming a boundary can be exposing, it can stir up fears of seeming distant, different, or “too much.”

So instead, we hide, or lie and avoid the conversation altogether.

But what if naming difference and privacy weren’t a threat to the relationship, but ways to strengthen it?

In the Therapy Room

In therapy, people often talk about lies and not just the ones they’ve told or discovered, but the ones they’ve lived with. The unspoken resentments. The avoidance of conversations. The deep discomfort around emotional exposure.

What emerges is rarely a simple story of deception. More often, it’s a story about fear. About not wanting to lose someone. About feeling that a part of yourself is too risky to reveal. If there is a recurring pattern, this can also point to a psychological Game.

In my work with clients, we explore not just the lie, but the need behind it. What the lie is trying to protect. What it might symbolise. What it might be saying about the emotional dynamics in the relationship.

And from there, something important can begin. Repair. Understanding. And a conversation that goes deeper than blame.

What to Ask Instead of "Why Did You Lie?"

If you’ve been lied to, or if you’ve lied, try to pause the instinct to label it good or bad, right or wrong. Instead, try asking:

What felt too hard to say?
What part of you didn’t feel safe to show?
What would make honesty easier, next time?

Not every lie is a betrayal. Some are a cry for safety, connection, or space.

Some are a signal that something isn’t being held in the relationship. Some lies play into the life Script that each person in the relationship has.

FAQS About Lying in Relationships

If we can get curious rather than combative, lying becomes a chance to learn, not just about the other person, but about ourselves.

1. Why do I feel more hurt by what wasn’t said than by an actual lie?

Because often, it’s the silence, or the omission, that leaves us doubting ourselves. When something is left unsaid, we’re left to fill in the gaps with our own stories, which are often rooted in past wounds. Not being told the truth could feel like being emotionally bypassed, especially if we sensed something was wrong but had it denied or downplayed.

2. Is it ever okay to keep things private in a relationship?

Privacy is different from secrecy. Healthy relationships include space for both connection and individuality. The key difference lies in intention: are you withholding to avoid intimacy or protect yourself from shame, or are you mindfully naming a boundary that maintains your autonomy? Saying, “That’s something I prefer to keep private,” can be honest and connective, especially if it’s said with care.

3. What should I do if I’ve lied and want to repair the relationship?

Start by understanding why the lie happened. What felt too difficult to say? What were you afraid would happen if you were honest? Owning the impact of your actions is important, but so is exploring the emotional context. Repair starts with vulnerability and honesty, not just apology. Be open to hearing how your actions affected the other person, and create space for rebuilding trust over time.

Final Thoughts - What Makes Honesty Possible

Honesty isn’t just about what we say. It’s about whether there’s room for truth at all.

It requires trust. A shared agreement that difficult feelings and differences can be named and worked through. You don’t have to pretend, perform, or protect each other with silence.

Because when we stop lying, both to ourselves and to each other, we make space for something else: intimacy that’s grounded, not perfect. A relationship that holds truth, even when it’s tender.

Alex is a qualified Transactional Analysis psychotherapeutic counsellor who works with individuals and offers couples relationship counselling to explore emotional patterns, relationship dynamics, and the deeper roots of current struggles. He trained at the Metanoia Institute and is a registered member of BACP.